i wish i didn't need human companionship so i don't have to feel this frustration every time someone disappoints me

tonight made me realize i'm over you. i don't hate you but i don't especially want you either. you make me tense and uncomfortable, i think that's a good sign. i hope you have a full and happy life. bye.

guilt.

i feel relieved i just told my dad but i don't think i've fully processed this yet..

• i just got caught shoplifting at h and m
• i will never be able to enter that h and m again
• i probably will never get a retail job
• there will be a misdemeanor on my permanent record
• i will have to go to court

god i'm dumb. but i guess you have to make mistakes in order to become an adult...

i know i'm a spoiled little girl. i have to start being more responsible.

fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i am so fucking dumb. i got caught shoplifting in h and m. fuckfuckfuckfuck.
And soon i have to tell my parents..fuck why the fuck do i keep stealing. probably cause i'm cheap and lazy. not even cheap, just lazy. and now that i think about it i probably can't work in retail ever. or at least not in h and m. which is kind of disappointing because half of my closet is from there anyways.

Ok...ok. from this point on i will stop shoplifting. i am 18. i am an adult. i need to stop doing this childish shit.
i knew eventually this would happen. i guess i have to learn my lesson sometime.

If he touches another girl or if another girl touches him I don't know what I'll do. Fuck, I miss him.

how will i ever be good enough.

I think I built you up to a standard that you could never have met. But it still saddens me you didn't even try.
I still cling a little to those moments where you made me feel so special and loved.

• The first time you showed any interest in me, at the homecoming football game where you wrapped your arms around me, keeping me warm. Lacing your fingers in between mine, you were never one for talking. 
• Asking if you could kiss me, like a gentleman. 
• When I heard you talked about me to your mom.
• When you made that fb status with just my name and a heart.
• When we kissed and hugged in the hallway at school.
• You kissing the top of my head. 
• Holding my hand while you sat in the front seat and i, in the passenger. 
• Burying my face into your chest. 

But then there's always the not so good memories..

• you constantly asking me to send you pictures of me naked, even when we weren't talking about sex
• you never making an effort to spend time with me
• your cold indifference
• your silence
• when you didn't even want to hug me
• how once you realized we would go further than kissing, you exploited every opportunity to talk about it and make sure you got what you wanted
• forcing yourself down my throat(and my ass), even when i said no.
• talking about another girl when you were trying to have sex with me

sometimes i just want to put a bullet through my head.

Bitch. Fuck you. I don't need you anyways.

But really I do this to myself.

because honestly sometimes i do want to kill myself.

goddamn. fuck colleges man. rejection feels like shit. and it feels even shittier that you have to pay to be rejected and that they pretend like they care, "we regret to inform you" my ass. they all get a kick out of crushing people's dreams based on an arbitrary score that doesn't actually tell them how intelligent or talented a person is. whatever. i guess that's how this shitty world works.

i'm so tired. so tired of these people. god i just can't....do it anymore. in the day time i can stand them but at night i just realize how much i hate what they stand for. i keep on reminding myself that they have problems of their own and maybe i don't know them well enough. maybe. or maybe i'm just being optimistic and they really are just as shallow as they appear to be. i hope it's the former.

Man, fuck you NYU.

sometimes i just realize how much i don't like people
even the people i like i can't stand for very long, there's just so much ego
these people are good people but i really just need a change of scenery, i need to meet other people and know that this isn't what its going to be like for the rest of my life. i need something to work towards, this standstill is so...tiring. all i do is consume, i never produce.

goddammit. i still love you. i think this is what love feels like. i want to be near you. i want to have a future with you. two kids, boy and girl, joseph and catherine. we'll have that yorkshire terrier you wanted, even though i like bigger dogs. we could live in a nice house, maybe travel sometimes to europe. you would do foreign relations, i would do something with art. we would cuddle and share music and movies and just be happy. i shouldn't have gone to see you perform tonight. you're hilarious. and amazing. i love you. i hope when we're adults we find each other again. i hope this isn't just a teenage fling. i really hope it isn't. i want our paths to cross again, even if it's a long way down from now. i want to stand on my tippy toes to try and kiss you even though that doesn't help much. i want you to hug me close to your chest and i want to bury my face in your shirt. i want to fight about stupid things but make up in the end. i want a relationship that has ups and downs but is ultimately satisfying in the end. i love you. i really do.

aslfasl;fhas;klfas;fklhas;fl why why why why why why do i like these boys why do i still have feelings why do i have emotions fuck this this sucks please let me just forget these people who have caused me pain i don't need this nobody likes me :(

You are quite a confusing boy. First you seem interested in me and you ask me to go as your date. But then you say we can't go together because of "complications." You show up with another girl to the party, who you seem to really like. But at the same time, I can see you keeping tabs on me whenever I'm in the room. Sigh, boys are so dumb...